In and Out of Uniform
by tectrices
Summary: When in uniform, you must behave accordingly. Proper. Obedient. A good soldier. But when that uniform comes off... That's when it gets fun. a Royai Venture
1. Summary and Prologue

**_In and Out of Uniform_**

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**Idea Birth:** November '05  
**Fandom:** Full Metal Alchemist  
**Authoress: **ILB (with help from crimson reflection here at ff DOT net)  
**Genre:** mainly humor, with some romance and maybe some internal angst  
**Pairings:** Mustang/Hawkeye, with Ed/Winry and some... hints of Roy/Ed  
**Rating:** 'T' for language, later innuendo, and some drunkenness  
**Other Warnings:** this fic is pretty ridiculous... random plotness abounds  
**Date Completed:** as of yet unfinished

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**Brief Summary:** The story begins after a fight between Ed and Winry. Ed made her VERY angry, and his apology was less than sincere. Al, realizing that it was his brother's fault, takes it upon himself to make amends. He and Ed go to Col. Mustang for advice with Ed's "girl trouble". Unfortunately, their first conversation is misheard, and Hawkeye makes an assumption that will later prove to be VERY wrong. She's confused, and can never look at Ed or Roy the same way again. Meanwhile, Ed's trying to find the right way to get Winry to forgive him. He tries to use Mustang's advice, but everything seems to fail. Winry shows up and decides to take Havoc out to make Ed jealous, so Ed and Roy go spy on them. Hawkeye, again, mishears a conversation, and then believes that a vast dating conspiracy is rising up: between Ed, Roy, and Winry. Hardly able to confront them (much less chastise Mustang for going after someone(s) nearly half his age), she finds a dark bar gets perhaps a bit drunker than she intended. Ed is sent to find her, and takes her back to his and Al's hotel room to sleep it off. Hawkeye, however, has other plans. In her inebriated state, she'd gladly take Ed over Roy, and does not hesitate in telling him so. Finally the truth is out: she's convinced that the elder Elric and Mustang are lovers. After a confrontation with Roy, she couldn't be more humiliated. But luckily, the fluff conquers all.

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**Updates:** As of March 17, Prologue and Chapter One are up.

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--Prologue--

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Winry heldback tears as she worked onher latest order for automail.She and Edward had, just earlier that day, had an absolutelyenormous fight. Shedidn't want to be angry with him, but the boy could beso damnstubborn. Al had told her that he and Ed were headed off untilthings had calmed down, and Winry could see Ed without hurling something heavy at his stupid, blond head. (Her words precisely.) She sighed, and wiped the sweat off her brow.

It wasn't her fault, and she wasn't going to apologize.

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_end Prologue_


	2. chp 1: Man to Man

**_In and Out of Uniform_**

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**Disclaimer: I do not own Full Metal Alchemist.  
_**A/N:** This is the first chapter for this story. It may seem a little boring (some of it IS rather funny, though), but this is VITALLY important to everything that happens afterwards. In fact, if the conversation in this chapter didn't happen, I wouldn't even have a fic! I haven't written much FMA fiction, and though I have seen all the anime and read some of the manga, I'm not confident in my ability to keep everything straight. If there's something that's off, please don't hesitate to tell me. Oh, and constructive criticism is also gladly accepted. (And liberal praise is as well, of course. Heh.) This story is very fun to write, so I hope my readerslike it as much as I do! Read and review, please; and enjoy everyone! 

Unfortunately, this won't be updated anytime soon. I only needed to get this written and posted so I could concentrate on all my other story ideas. Hopefully, though, I'll have chapter two up next month!

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--Chapter One--  
_Man to Man _

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Edward Elric sat stiffly in his wooden seat on the old train, arms folded heavily cross his chest anda scowl marring his face.

Al sighed. "Stop sulking, brother. When we get there you're talking to him and that's final. You really hurt Winry's feelings Ed; and then you didn't even apologize!"

"Is that what she's telling you? I did so give her the damn apology! I–"

"Well," Al amended, giving his brother a chastising look, "it certainly wasn't sincere."

Ed shrugged. "There's no reason for Winry to be that sensitive. She's being stupid." He glanced out the window, looking to see if the girl was there to see them off. "And who cares what she thinks anyway? I–"

But he was cut off by the loud, very distinctive sound of a **wrench** hitting the window.

Ed and Al gulpedin unison. "You know what?" Ed asked, turning slowly away from the window, his eyes wide as dinner plates,"I think that you're right. As soon as we arrive, I'll try to talk to that bastard of a colonel. As SOON as we arrive..."

Al nodded, glad his brother had finally given in. The remainder of the train ride was spent in silence.

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"Hello Alphonse," Lieutenant Hawkeye said kindly. "May I help you with something?" 

Al nodded determinedly. "I-is Colonel Mustang busy? I... Ed needs to talk to him." Al glared at his brother as Ed scowled and swore under his breath.

Hawkeye smiled. "If you'll just go in his office, I'm sure he'll be more than happy to grant you an audience, Ed. He won't be doing his paperwork anyway."

"Thank you very much," Al said, dragging a VERY unhappy Ed along behind him.

Hawkeye– as was per the usual when it came to her colonel– was right again. Mustang was sitting in his office, a stack of unfinished– un-_started_– paperwork on his desk in front of him. He had spilled a bottle of ink on his last stack of work, and had then amused himself for an hour or so by burning each individual page and watching the ashes float to the bottom of his garbage bin.

Hawkeye, the ever-responsible one, had severely reprimanded him for that, he mused with a pout, and half of his work for that day was making up all the work that he had burned the day before. For a brief moment, he gave serious thought to actually doing it.

But that ridiculous notion was put to rest the moment the two Elric brothers barged unceremoniously into his office. Full Metal looked significantly displeased, and Al– giant suit of armor that he was– looked like he was nervous and trying his best to appear confident.

Roy raised an eyebrow as Al straightened up and drug his brother over to the desk. "Colonel Mustang, sir," he said, facing Roy proudly, "my brother is in desperate need of your help and advice."

"I'm not desperate," Ed muttered from his seat on the ground.

Al ignored him and continued. "He really messed up, and you were the only person we could think of who could help him. You're, um... Well, you are a grown man and you seem to know a lot about stuff like this, so..." If suits of armor could conceivably blush, Al would have been bright red. "Um, I'll leave you two to it, then!"

Ed and Roy sat there, staring at each other silently.

Roy blinked.

Ed blinked.

Roy blinked again.

Ed's right eye began twitching.

Roy smirked. "So Full-Metal– you've come to me for help with your poor, pathetic problems. Shall I even bother to ask or will you readily admit your failing?"

Ed stood and brushed himself off. He took a seat in the small, sparsely cushioned chair opposite Roy's desk. "Look Mustang," he said angrily, "I promised Al, and that's the only reason that I'm even here having this conversation."

"What's the problem then?"

For a moment, Roy was sure Ed had looked impossibly embarrassed. "Well..."

"Yes?"

Ed sunk down lower in his chair. "There's this... this girl."

Anything else he might have said after that was drowned out by the sounds of Roy's wild, hysteric laughter.

After finally calming down, Roy smirked. "Well, well. Isn't this an interesting situation?" He couldn't help himself– being evil was just too much fun.

Ed scowled deeply. "Get all the perverse pleasure you want out of this Mustang, I'm doing it for Al."

"Of course you are," Mustang assured him mockingly. "Not because you're hopeless with women."

"Shut up! I'm not hopeless, I'm just..." He looked away, his voice dropping to a mutter. "I just don't have that much experience."

"But lucky for you," Mustang said, his smirk returning full-force, "I'm as experienced as they come." He couldn't help but chuckle darkly at Ed's disgusted scowl.

"Oh, come come Full-Metal, it's perfectly natural to give in to the primal urges of manhood." At Ed's rather unwillingly confused expression, Mustang chuckled again and took it upon himself to elaborate. "You want to have sex! And since that's the case, it's good you came to me."

Edward jumped out of his chair, sputtering wildly. "WHA– THAT'S **NOT** WHAT THIS IS ABOUT!"

Mustang raised a curious eyebrow. "Oh? So the very idea of physical intimacy with a woman repulses you? Or perhaps it's something else... Your body's so small that it only stands to reason that–"

"WHOA! Stop right there!" Ed said defensively. "I-I assure you that my... my... that **I'M** plenty big enough. So that... that has nothing to do with it."

"Whatever you say, Full-Metal." Mustang laughed. "But that doesn't change the fact that you like her enough to come to me for help with the situation. Heh. Whatever that situation might be."

"Well, it's not so much that I like her," Ed said, uncomfortable with the idea of a relationship with Winry, "as much as it is me screwing things up. I think I... eh, really pissed her off."

"Are you talking about the one who throws wrenches?"

Ed sunk down a bit in his chair. "Yeah. That's her."

"Well Full-Metal, I never imagined you'd be into that, but... Hey! Whatever gets you off is your business, not mine."

For some reason that Roy simply _couldn't_ fathom, Edward's eye had begun to twitch, and his face was rapidly turning a bright red. He grinned at the teenager before him. "So... You say you need my help. In what area do you need my expert advice?"

Edward sighed, trying to decide if telling him was worth the teasing. "...how to apologize to her without getting her even more pissed off."

"Simple! Just sweep her off her feet! Give her an evening she'll never forget, and she'll have forgiven you before you even have a chance to say 'I'm sorry'. Trust me on this, Full-Metal, it works every time."

"That doesn't sound very sincere..."

"Who the hell cares? You are sorry, aren't you?" Ed nodded hesitantly. "Then what else matters? Just... prove that to her."

"But I..." Ed looked around nervously, careful not to meet Mustang's eye. "Look, when I said I was inexperienced I wasn't lying alright? I don't... I don't know how the hell to do all that romance and dating stuff."

"Oh– my poor, sheltered Edward. Well, we'll just have to take it slow then, won't we?"

Ed scowled and crossed his arms. "You're a real bastard."

Roy smirked. "And yet... You know you love me for it." Ed's scowl deepened. "So, since you're so insecure and unsure, and you have no inkling of how to go about procuring a woman's affection, I suggest that we make a plan to meet somewhere so we can discuss this more in-depth." He wiped a fake tear from the corner of his eye. "Full-Metal's finally becoming a man."

"God, you're an idiot." Ed shook his head. "Me and Al were planning on staying here for awhile since Winry is so angry at me. He won't be home– said he had something to do. So I've got an empty hotel room, and we could talk there I guess. I don't want anyone to know that I need your help, so if going somewhere public can be avoided, then it _should_ be avoided. Eh... though the thought of you anywhere near the place I have to sleep is more than mildly upsetting..."

Roy waved his concerns away. "Don't worry about it. For once, I think you've come up with a decent idea. Oh, this shall be entertaining." He grinned again.

Ed stood up, looking wary. "Look, I'm gonna go. Don't you dare tell anyone, or you can kiss your sorry ass goodbye. Finish your paperwork too, or Hawkeye's gonna kill you." And with no further glance, Ed walked out of the office, slamming the door behind him.

He was walking down the hall to leave when he ran into the first lieutenant. "Oh, Hawkeye– I'm sorry. Did I–" He noticed her looking at him strangely– almost as though she were... frightened. "Hey, are you alright? I didn't mean to scare you or anything."

"N-no... It's fine, Edward. I... I'm fine, I assure you. Just fine." She nodded and straightened her uniform. She took a deep breath, and put on a composed expression. She smiled kindly at the boy and said, "I really need to be going. It was nice seeing you again, Edward."

"Yeah, you too. Oh, and I'm done with Mustang if you need him. Bye." Her eyes widened, and she swallowed almost audibly.

Confused but paying it no mind, he continued on his way.

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_end chapter 1_


	3. chp 2: The Colonel's Mistress

**_In and Out of Uniform__

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_-Disclaimer: I do not own FMA.  
_**A/N:** Sorry! This took a really long time to post-- but hey! I said it would be a month, and I pretty much hit the mark. Hopefully this is funny-- we're finally getting somewhere, huh? Heh. Please review; I'd appreciate it _ever_ so much. (chuckle) Anyway, here's chapter two! Enjoy everyone. 

Chapter three... yeah. About a month. Sooner if I can manage it.

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_--_Chapter Two_--  
The Colonel's Mistress _

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Hawkeye was a woman who could appreciate routine.

Wake up. Feed Black Hayate. Shower. Dress. Make and eat breakfast. Go to work.

Her days were the pinnacle of planned perfection; rarely was anything not exactly as she had anticipated it would be. It was monotonous, but it was life.

She sighed and took a sip of her cup of tea. Often, she had dreamt of a change, but never had she actually done anything to break her well-worn routine. That was all the idea was, really... a dream. She was the dependable one, the lieutenant that could always be counted on. That was her place, and she didn't intend to break the mold.

She sighed again. "Time to go," she said to herself. "I'll see you when I get home, Hayate; be good."

And after putting her dishes in the sink, she was gone.

She was one of the first people to arrive, as usual. The mornings were her favorite part of the day– bright, quiet, and undisturbed. She got much more work done when she didn't have to worry about keeping the others in line.

But, of course, peace never lasts, and soon she heard the first set of bootsteps tromping in.

"Good morning, lieutenant Hawkeye," Fury said with a shy smile.

"Good morning," she replied. He sat down, and got to work himself.

The rest of the men trickled in over the next hour, looking about as chipper as she could expect. They worked with very little chaos for most of the morning. It wasn't until lunchtime that things got _interesting_.

Hawkeye was carrying a stack of papers to be filed in the basement, when she saw the two Elric brothers coming down the hallway. Ed was pouting and, unless her eyes were seriously malfunctioning, being _dragged_ along by his younger brother. "Hello Alphonse," she said. "May I help you with something?"

Al nodded determinedly. "I-is Colonel Mustang busy? I... Ed needs to talk to him." Al glared at his brother as Ed scowled and swore under his breath.

She smiled. "If you'll just go in his office, I'm sure he'll be more than happy to grant you an audience, Ed. He won't be doing his paperwork anyway."

"Thank you very much," Al said, dragging a VERY unhappy Ed along behind him.

"Now... I wonder what that was about," Hawkeye said to herself as she watched the two walk off. Shrugging it out of her mind, she continued with her task.

The basement hadn't been cleaned in years, and even though it was often used to store old documents, no one had ever bothered to create a designated system that could be used. Needless to say, it was less than efficient.

Hawkeye put the papers in an empty drawer in one of the many cabinets, making a mental note to go back down there and re-organize a little. Wiping off the layer of dust that had accumulated on her person, she trudged back upstairs.

It was as she was passing Colonel Mustang's office that she heard a _very_ unusual snippet of conversation.

"You want to have sex! And since that's the case, it's good you came to me."

Her eyes widened, and she stopped mid-stride. Was that... That _was_ Mustang's voice, but what in the hell was he doing discussing his personal life when he should be working? She could have sworn that he'd still be busy with Ed– they fought so much that an interview was always twice as long as was really necessary. She barely registered the other voice that yelled out a response.

She shook her head, and started walking again. Until she heard–

"Oh? So the very idea of physical intimacy with a woman repulses you?"

Hawkeye quickened her pace– whatever was going on in that room was something she did _not_ want to be a part of. Mustang had to be talking to Edward, but...

She was sure there was a reasonable explanation for their topic of conversation. There just had to be! It was no secret that Full-Metal and the Colonel didn't get along. She was right by the door, though... She edged closer to the room, hoping to hear some snippet of conversation that would immediately put all her mad notions to rest.

"I-I assure you that my... my... that **I'M** plenty big enough. So that... that has nothing to do with it."

Her eyes grew wide and she bit back a squeaky sound of disbelief that was trying to escape. Why was... Why the hell was Edward talking about _that_?

Even more unsettled, she walked briskly down the hallway to try to calm herself down. She quickly thought about what she had heard. Edward was, in his own opinion, packing plenty; according to Mustang, the very idea of physical intimacy with a woman _repulsed_ the young Edward. Hawkeye couldn't help but think of the strange emphasis on _woman_. And then... Mustang had said that if Edward wanted sex, it was _good_ that he had chosen to talk to the older man about it.

Not liking any of the conclusions she was drawing, Hawkeye just thrust all thought of it out of her head. With a quick, soothing breath once she reached the wall at the end of the hall, she did a determined turn, unwilling to let the situation upset her– and certain that there was _some_ sort of explanation, reasonable or not. She just wouldn't let whatever was said bother her. No, as she passed the door she wouldn't even listen. She wouldn't listen; she wouldn't listen; she wouldn't listen...

"Well Full-Metal, I never imagined you'd be into that, but... Hey! Whatever gets you off is your business, not mine."

She almost groaned. Without a single look back, she stomped off to where the others were working– hoping desperately that she'd just forget all that she had heard.

Unfortunately, she ran into Havoc.

"Hey Lieutenant," he said, smiling flirtatiously. "What are you doing? Hey! You going to see the Colonel? I know he's in a meeting now, but... Eh, well I sure as hell don't want to be the one to interrupt him and Edward." He thrust a small stack of papers into her hand. "You think you could give these to him? Alright; thanks!"

He jogged off as Hawkeye just stood there for a moment, face blank. "Havoc... Havoc! Havoc, come back here!" But either he couldn't hear her or he was pretending he couldn't. Either way, she was quite annoyed. With a tired sigh, she trudged back towards Mustang's office. Secretly dreading it, she raised her hand, poised to knock. But she hesitated... And leaned closer to the door.

"Oh– my poor, sheltered Edward. Well, we'll just have to take it slow then, won't we?"

Hawkeye's upraised hand trembled. "You're a real bastard."

"And yet... You know you love me for it."

Not able to stand it a moment longer, Hawkeye dropped the papers Havoc had given her and strode hurriedly away. Admittedly, she had never _really_ confessed– even to herself– to having feelings for Mustang, but... Maybe... Secretly... She had entertained certain... _hopes_. She knew he cared for her. She knew he _loved_ her, even if it was only platonically. But she had always imagined that if she waited long enough, that love would blossom into something deeper. That was just what their whole relationship had always been about– waiting, secrets, unspoken musings. And she never had to tell herself she loved him– she had never even thought about loving him. She just did.

It was that simple.

Of course, that was all before she found out that Mustang had already found someone. Someone half his age! Someone who was still a child, for heaven's sake! Hawkeye frowned, angry at Mustang for taking advantage of the boy. She would eventually have to have a talk with him– about the whole big deal, actually.

Such were her thoughts as she rounded the corner... And ran smack into the eldest Elric. "Oh, Hawkeye– I'm sorry. Did I–" He noticed her looking at him strangely– almost as though she were... frightened. "Hey, are you alright? I didn't mean to scare you or anything."

"N-no... It's fine, Edward. I... I'm fine, I assure you. Just fine." She nodded and straightened her uniform. She took a deep breath, and put on a composed expression. She smiled kindly at the boy and said, "I really need to be going. It was nice seeing you again, Edward."

"Yeah, you too. Oh, and I'm done with Mustang if you need him. Bye." Her eyes widened, and she swallowed almost audibly. Edward gave her a look, but didn't say anything– simply went on his way.

Hawkeye touched her forehead nervously, feeling a headache beginning to pound at her temples. Edward didn't even try to hide it! Did he... did he care for Mustang the way she did? Did Edward pretend to hate the man just to hide how he truly felt?

Hawkeye didn't know. She sighed, and began to fervently that the day would just end. She wanted to go home, eat something soothing, and then curl up with Hayate and read a good book. She didn't even want to be there– not at work, not with Mustang, not when her own heart was so clouded.

It seemed her routine had finally changed.

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_end chapter two_  



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